Dear Michael,

I am a 22-year-old man and I am starting to hate being gay.

It’s not that I feel bad about being attracted to men. I would love to date a guy, get married, and spend my life with him. My problem is that the values of the gay men I am meeting have nothing to do with what I want in life.

Pretty much all I come across are guys who want to have sex with as many hot men as possible.  

Relationships, commitment, and honesty don’t seem to mean anything, as far as I can tell. I’ve had guys in long-term relationships hit on me or propose threesomes with their partners.  My ex-boyfriend was hooking up on Grindr multiple times per week after we had agreed to be exclusive. When I found out, he told me that it’s impossible for a gay guy not to sleep around.

What is it with gay men? Everyone seems to predominantly focus on sex. Whenever I go out to brunch with my gay friends, people are showing pictures and sometimes even X-rated videos of their latest hookups. Sex isn’t something special, just a recreational activity/competition.  
None of my straight friends act anything remotely like this.

Also, pretty much every gay man I spend time with seems to love getting trashed. I’m not anti-alcohol but I don’t see the fun in getting completely drunk regularly. I’m wary of recreational drugs but guys around me use them nonchalantly all the time. What kind of connection can you have with people around you when all of you are drunk or high on something?

I’ve tried to talk with my gay friends about how I feel but they respond like I’m from another planet, as if I’m questioning why they want to breathe oxygen.

I just think there’s a lot more to life than hooking up, that people should treat each other as more than just potential sex partners, and that sleeping around when I’m in a relationship doesn’t make for a great relationship. But I seem to be the only gay man I know who feels this way.

I don’t want to live the kind of life I see all around me. But I worry that unless I give up my values, I’m going to be lonely.  

Michael replies:

What kind of life will you have if you give up your values? Could you respect yourself or create a life that is meaningful and that you would enjoy?

We all face pressure to conform to those around us so that we will fit in. Doing so is understandable. As you describe, it can be lonely to be on the outside. But betraying who you actually are is a high price to pay for acceptance.  

This is why people come out. And this is why, despite the peer pressure, you are the only person who should decide the kind of life you want to lead as a gay man.

There is little point in discussing the many possible reasons why many gay men dedicate so much time and energy to sex. Everyone is free to choose how they want to live and what they want to focus on. And this includes you.

You can’t change other people or a community. But I’m hopeful you can find a community of friends with whom you are a better fit. I know you are far from alone in feeling as you do, because I regularly hear stories similar to yours in my practice. So rather than settling, keep looking, and look beyond the ways in which you’ve made your social life so far. The friend group you develop may not be as large as your current circle of acquaintances. (Or it may be larger!) In any case, you’d likely find it far more nurturing, and a lot more fun, to spend time with others who are more like-minded.  

It is not easy to feel like the odd man out. And when you want a different life from what most of your peers are seeking, it’s easy to doubt that you are OK. I’m sure you already know this from having grown up gay.  

When we come out, we have the hope that we will finally have a real peer group and won’t feel so different anymore. But that’s not always the case. Gay men are not one homogenous group and many of us have to do some searching to find some people with whom we really connect.  
You are doing important work in thinking about who you are and how you want to live. I hope you will make the choice to honor your time on earth by living it authentically.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with gay couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality.

The Los Angeles Blade featured columnist, Rosalynne Montoya, is back with her hugely popular ‘Trans 101′ 1 minute video shorts from Insta which offer tips, advice, and support for Trans people and solid information for Trans allies and others seeking answers.

By Rose Montoya | LOS ANGELES – On Sunday the international swimming federation (FINA) voted to restrict transgender athletes from competing in elite women’s aquatics competitions unless they have physically transitioned before the age of 12.

This is during a time where dozens of states in the USA are banning trans related healthcare to anyone under 19. Trans people, especially kids deserve to play sports. Trans minors deserve to participate in friendly competition, camaraderie, teamwork, and sportsmanship.

Trans people ,even Olympic athletes, are not dominating sports. The few successful trans athletes with major wins deserve them though because they’ve trained hard. Sports aren’t fair, that’s the point.

WATCH:

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Rose, is a Hispanic, bisexual, nonbinary transgender woman. Rose’s pronouns are she/her/hers and they/them/their/theirs. She works as a model, actor, public speaker, makeup artist, advocate, and content creator.

Rose is also a board member of Aadya Rising, a nonprofit working to fill in the gaps to help the transgender community. She has been in campaigns and featured by TomboyX, Savage X Fenty, Yandy, FX Networks, New York City Pride, Planned Parenthood, and more. Their goal is to spread love and education about their community as they share their story.

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To follow Rose:

rosemontoya.com 

TheTrans101.com

Instagram.com/RosalynneMontoya

TikTok.com/@rosemontoya

Editor’s note; The Los Angeles Blade is pleased to present our new featured columnist, Rosalynne Montoya, whose hugely popular ‘Trans 101′ 1 minute video shorts on Instagram offers tips, advice, and support for Trans people and solid information for Trans allies and others seeking answers.

By Rose Montoya | PHOENIX – Trans awareness week is over, but the trans community needs you to show up for us every single day of the year. We need your allyship today and always: -respect our names, pronouns, and identities https://thetrans101.com/pronouns -believe and support trans youth htps://www.thetrans101.com/transyouth -vote in favor of trans rights https://www.thetrans101.com/bills -sign petitions in favor of our rights https://www.thetrans101.com/action -listen to our voices https://www.thetrans101.com -follow us and interact with our content.

AND SHARE THIS VIDEO -also follow: @ashleemariepreston @therealtsmadison @kaydenxofficial @pinkmantaray @madisonwerner @munroebergdorf @raquel_willis @chasestrangio @mx.deran Thanks for watching!

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To follow Rose:

RosalynneMontoya.com

TheTrans101.com

Instagram.com/RosalynneMontoya

TikTok.com/RosalynneMontoya