March 15, 2019 at 11:53 am PST | by Billy Masters
Closet cases lining up to defend Jussie Smollett

Tyler Perry and Queen Latifah are among the last stars defending Jussie Smollett. (Screenshot via YouTube)

“He is circumcised. I have a gorgeous, circumcised penis and I want him to have the same.” — Andy Cohen is not talking about what he looks for in a prospective paramour’s equipment. He’s talking about his son.

One of the statistics I have cited lo these two-plus decades is that most men have their first sexual experience with other men. I realize this is not particularly scandalous to the men reading this column. But we are talking all men – straight and gay alike.

Before you go all Corey Feldman on me, the term “sexual experience” often refers to a “circle jerk”, which figures into so many art films in my collection. This came back to me when I read about the proliferation of jerk-off clubs targeting straight men. Before you rush off to buy a membership, it should be noted that these clubs have strict policies against any oral or anal interaction, and one must keep one’s hands to oneself. Kinda takes all the fun out of it.

This inevitably leads to a discussion about “Leaving Neverland.”

I can’t imagine anything in there shocked or even surprised my readers. Learning that Michael taught these boys how to masturbate fits into the aforementioned statistic. But the similarity ends there. Beyond all that sex stuff – which I believed – these boys (now men) truly loved Michael Jackson. What troubles most people about this – aside from, of course, the idea of falling in love with one’s abuser – is that these men identify themselves as heterosexual. Not only heterosexual, but married with children.

I have had numerous discussions with people who cannot comprehend how any of this is possible. But what this doc hammered home was how it is possible to have two completely contradictory feelings at the same time. Kudos to Oprah’s after-show for focusing primarily on Wade and Jimmy’s emotional turmoil.

Again, putting the sex aside, these boys who had no romantic experience fell totally in love with Michael and saw themselves tossed aside when the latest Culkin came down the pike. I know how I feel when someone stops returning my calls, or simply moves on. I can’t imagine what someone their age felt like.

I suspect this emotional upheaval is what has caused the most psychological damage, and I feel for them.

Despite all of the evidence pointing to Jussie Smollett’s guilt, some people are still giving him the benefit of the doubt and holding onto hope that it’s all just a big misunderstanding. His most vocal supporters are Tyler Perry and Queen Latifah, who say it is premature to have an opinion until we hear all of the evidence. The fact that two people with ginormous secrets say we don’t have all the facts speaks volumes.

Last week, I went to a gala evening at the Dolby Theatre celebrating the 50th anniversary of “Laugh-In.” For “Still Laugh-In: The Stars Celebrate,” Netflix hoped to assemble the remaining living cast members. They were one short – no Goldie (for reasons well known to them, or so I’m told).

In the role of Goldie Hawn we got Miss Loni Anderson (no, not in a bikini). Happily, we did have Lily Tomlin (who did two new Ernestine and Edith Ann sketches – both of which were pre-taped), Jo Anne Worley (who was chewing up the scenery) and Ruth Buzzi (who currently bears a striking resemblance to Ruth Bader Ginsberg).

The event was hosted by Tiffany Haddish and self-proclaimed sword swallower, Neil Patrick Harris. Guest stars included Jay Leno, Billy Crystal, Bill Maher, Chelsea Handler, Cheri Oteri, and a bunch of others who I must say neither Bruce Vilanch nor I could place. The low point was a musical number by the two Ritas – Moreno and Wilson. And we had to sit through it twice. I loves me some Moreno, but this was not good. The spunky Latina made sure to let the audience know it wasn’t her fault. “I’m not taking the blame for this shit – we’ve been sitting back there in the freezing cold for two hours!”

The evening ran very long and towards the end, people were leaving. At one point, I was pulled from my seat and asked to sit in the front row next to Norman Lear – talk about television royalty! Two seats over was “Laugh-In” creator, George Schlatter – who recognized me and said hi. All I kept thinking was, FINALLY I’m the young one! Then Norman leaned over to George and said, “Can you believe we created being funny on television?” George said, “Yeah, and they’re KILLING it! But we can fix it in post!”

Priceless. The special will air later this season.

Time for another Fayewatch. You’ll recall I told you that Miss Dunaway would be returning to Broadway playing Katharine Hepburn in Matthew Lombardo’s play, “Tea at Five.”

Faye Dunaway playing a legendary Hollywood actress — what could possibly go wrong? Prior to opening on Broadway this summer (theater and date to be announced), the show will run from June 21 through July 7 at Boston’s Huntington Theatre. It’s somewhat of a homecoming for Faye – she studied at Boston University, which operates the theater. Tix are on sale now at HuntingtonTheatre.org.

When we’re looking forward to months and months of Fayewatch items, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. For the best dish, be sure to check out www.BillyMasters.com – the site that’ll never jerk you around. Sorry we didn’t have room for an “Ask Billy” question. But I always have time for you. Dash your queries off to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Peaches Christ is announced as Faye’s understudy! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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