“I’ve been getting in shape for tonight with the Jussie Smollett workout. You hire two trainers and sweat for eight weeks. It wipes out all your belly fat — and credibility.” – Sean Hayes begins his acceptance speech at the GLAAD Awards.
With the stroke of a pen, Jussie Smollett’s troubles came to an end, at least legally. All 16 criminal charges against him were dropped.
But that doesn’t mean he isn’t guilty according to the guy who dropped the charges! Joseph Magats, first assistant Cook County State’s attorney, says, “I do not believe he is innocent. We stand behind the Chicago Police Department’s investigation and our decision to approve charges in this case. We did not exonerate Mr. Smollett. The charges were dropped in return for Mr. Smollett’s agreement to do community service and forfeit his $10,000 bond to the city of Chicago. Without the completion of these terms, the charges would not have been dropped. This outcome was met under the same criteria that would occur for and is available to any defendant with similar circumstances.”
Except, of course, the court records were sealed — something that likely would not have happened to “any defendant” unless their “similar circumstances” were deep pockets, celebrity and lawyer Mark Geragos. This may not have been a “plea deal,” but make no mistake — it was most certainly a deal.
Ironically, it’s not even a deal anyone is happy about. Let’s start with the city of Chicago, which has sent a letter to Smollett’s attorney along with a bill for $130,000 to cover the costs of the investigation. The letter implies prosecution should the bill be ignored. The letter was initiated by Mayor Rahm Emanuel and Chicago Police Superintendent Eddie Johnson.
The next person unhappy with the deal may surprise you: Smollett himself! His lawyer released a statement: “It is the mayor and the police chief who owe Jussie an apology for dragging an innocent man’s character through the mud. Jussie has paid enough.” In fact, he believes he paid more than enough. Smollett’s attorney has indicated that he’s considering suing the city of Chicago. So, he’s lucky and stupid!
But you know the biggest surprise? Donald “The Art of the Deal” Trump is unhappy with the deal Jussie got! “FBI & DOJ to review the outrageous Jussie Smollett case in Chicago. It is an embarrassment to our Nation.” Do you realize how screwed you are when Donald Trump considers you an embarrassment? Sadly, it’s also the first thing Trump has been right about.
We all know there was tension when Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Rosie O’Donnell were both co-hosts on “The View.” But was it sexual? In the upcoming “Ladies Who Punch: The Explosive Inside Story of The View” by our very own Ramin Setoodeh, Ro reveals the depth of her crush. “I loved her,” she says. Joy Behar pipes in, “I think there were underlying lesbian undertones on both parts.” Both parts — hmm. Rosie adds, “I think this is something that will hurt her if you write it. She was the MVP of a Division 1 softball team for two years that won the finals. There are not many, in my life, girls with such athletic talent on sports teams that are traditionally male that aren’t at least a little bit gay.” Getting back to her feelings, O’Donnell clarifies, “There was a little bit of a crush. But not that I wanted to kiss her. I want to support, raise, elevate her, like she was the freshman star shortstop and I was the captain of the team … but it was in no way sexualized.”
Needless to say, these revelations make Lizzie very uncomfortable.
“The truth is, what she said, if you took her words and replaced ‘Rosie’ for ‘Ronald’, there would be an objectification of women in the workplace. So that’s disturbing and it’s wrong. Whether you’re a man or whether you’re a woman, and you’re objectifying women in the workplace, it’s wrong.”
Have I missed a memo? I think there’s a difference between “objectifying” and “having a crush,” especially one that isn’t acted upon. What Hasselbeck did when she heard this news is also telling. “I’ll be very honest. I read it and I immediately started praying. Because I’m like, ‘How am I going to handle this?'” So, lemme get this straight: Hasselbeck actually attempted to pray the gay away?
Of course, some people look better the less they wear. Take Mark Consuelos, who enjoys walking around the set of “Riverdale” with as little clothing on as possible (note to self: get a job on the set of “Riverdale”). Most recently, he was carrying a Nespresso machine and said to KJ Apa, “KJ, have you seen my Nespresso machine?” KJ said, “I think you’re holding it, bro.” At the risk of objectifying the willing, check him out on billymasters.com.
Since I had to zip out of L.A., I missed the GLAAD Media Awards. And apparently what I missed was Shangela bringing down the house with a tribute to Beyoncé that included “Baby Boy,” “Single Ladies,” “Bootylicious” and “Independent Women.” Knowing Shangela, the only thing she remembers from the night was getting a standing ovation from Queen Bey herself! Naturally, we’ll run the video on our website.
When “View” co-hosts are praying the gay away, it’s time to end yet another column. I don’t know how to break it to Hasselbeck, but her prayers aren’t working. She hasn’t prayed any gay away, she’s just prayed the paying jobs away! I think she better change her prayers — or perhaps change denominations, especially if she wants to bring in a few denominations! No such problems at billmasters.com, the site that will answer all your prayers, both big and small. And if you have a question, send it along to firstname.lastname@example.org and I promise to get back to you as soon as I have an answer! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.