March 20, 2019 at 10:15 am PDT | by Billy Masters
Tyler Posey plays gay and more dish

Tyler Posey will soon be everywhere. (Photo courtesy Tyler Posey)

“We don’t rape someone that’s raped; why do we kill someone that’s killed?” — Gov. Gavin Newsom on his decision to put a moratorium on executions in California.

I’m terribly disappointed in Felicity Huffman when it comes to this whole college admissions scandal. Frankly, I expected more from her. But since I’m capable of having two contradictory thoughts at the same time, I must also admit that I feel bad for her. Yes, she did something wrong. But how can you lump in Huffman’s $15K payment to bump up her daughter’s SAT scores with parents who paid half a MILLION dollars to get their daughters into college?

I have absolutely no respect for Lori Loughlin and designer Mossimo Giannulli – and that was even before this scandal broke. But really, Feds? You send a SWAT team to Felicity’s house at dawn in bulletproof vests to bring her in like she’s El Chapo, while Loughlin blithely flies in from her latest/last Hallmark set in Canada? Oh, the humanity! 

I’m rooting for Felicity to just pay a fine and be done with this. But Loughlin and Moss should be locked up and forced to watch “When Calls the Heart” on an endless loop.

A couple of weeks ago, we heard lurid allegations about Michael Jackson (all of which I believed). This week, crazy R. Kelly was in the hot seat. Speaking of seats, one of his exes said something that caught my eye. Lisa Van Allen said: “He likes dildos. I know he likes fingers in the butt with him on all fours.” She added, “He does like penetration.” Now, is it just me or does this sound strikingly similar to one of the allegations against MJ? 

We got a double dose of Jussie Smollett last week. I must confess, I found the return of “Empire” as entertaining as ever, and Jussie’s new music outstanding (if somewhat derivative).  Alas, practically no one was watching. The ratings drop and Smollett’s issues could lead to FOX cancel the show. Meanwhile, Jussie was at the Cook County courthouse, where he plead not guilty. I guess this means a plea deal ain’t happening. On the positive side, the judge ruled cameras will be allowed in the courtroom. So, if “Empire” is cancelled, Jussie still has a TV gig.

Lance Bass produced a documentary called “The Boy Band Con: The Lou Pearlman Story.” The doc features many members of bands led by the shamed, jailed, and now deceased impresario.  But one name is conspicuously absent.  For years it’s been rumored that Nick Carter got the lion’s share of “attention” from Lou. He skipped this project, so we won’t hear his story. 

We’ll have to settle for Ashley Parker Angel from “O-Town,” who is best known for long, luxurious footage filmed in the shower – kinda like that previously virginal bachelor. We’re told Lou had all the unedited footage squirreled away for his own “use.”

There is a Carter who is in the flick – Aaron Carter. It’s said that Lou focused on him once Nick started growing pubes. And, of course, Aaron ain’t one to turn down publicity. In fact, he posted a photo of himself recently with the following caption: “I think I look fucking great!” 

If Aaron thinks he looks so freaking good, I’ve got a job for him – “The Magic Mike Musical” is currently holding auditions for men 18-30 “in excellent physical shape.” They are accepting video submissions that include “a brief pop/rock song not longer than one minute in length that shows off range” (sorry, Aaron) and “a brief contemporary or hip-hop dance clip no longer than two minutes in length that shows off athleticism, technique, and any specialty skills (gymnastics, tumbling, etc.). No nudity.”  To think I was about to volunteer my services to screen the videos. You had me, then you lost me.

We have two stories about unwanted oral attention. 

The first comes from Andrew Rannells’ memoirs, where he talks about an encounter with a priest. “He hugged me tightly. I felt safe and heard and understood. Then, with unexpected force, he kissed me. On the lips. He muscled his tongue into my mouth and held the back of my head still. Then he released me and made the sign of the cross on my forehead. He smiled.”  I don’t want to question Rannells’ veracity, but this entire episode sounds strikingly similar to a scene in “The Thorn Birds.”

Not to be outdone, Tyler Posey is enjoying Starz’s “Now Apocalypse.” Once again, he’s batting for our team. “I was excited to play a gay character, because I’m really comfortable with my sexuality.”  How comfortable?  “As soon as I committed to the project, I was all in. I’m shoving my tongue down some dude’s throat, and I don’t know how much else I can say, but we jerked off in the alley in the first episode. Bring it on.”

Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.

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