“If Mr. Lawrence can produce a contract, signed by me and Mr. Lawrence on the same page, at any time in history from the beginning of time, I will toast that contract, smear it with cream cheese and eat it on national television.” —Judge Judy Sheindlin addresses accusations of skulduggery regarding the sale of her syndicated show’s library. While I assume she will prevail, I would really enjoy seeing her eat the contract on TV.
Pandemic or not, August is typically the slowest time in entertainment – at least in terms of consumption. When I cannot watch “The View” shortly after waking, I feel out of step with the world. And when I cannot watch “The Talk” shortly after breakfast, I know it’s August. And yet, in the midst of this wasteland, television news continues to be generated — whether it is speculation on if Meghan McCain will return to “The View” after her baby is born (she claims she will); whether Sara Haines will return to “The View” since her “GMA” offshoot has been cancelled; and what will happen to Michael Strahan…and his lisp?
I admit it: I got caught up in the tributes to Regis Philbin. Then I started watching interviews he gave. In a sit-down with Larry King, Regis made a staggering confession when asked, “Do you keep in touch with Kelly Ripa?” “Not really, no. Never once did they ask me to go back … She got very offended when I left. She thought I was leaving because of her. I was leaving because I was getting older and it wasn’t right for me anymore.” Larry pressed – has Regis heard from her? “Never have.” Counter that with all the tributes Kelly has shown up on — inconsolable. Not all is as it seems. Think about that when you judge Ellen.
Moving on to something far more important – the Rockettes have cancelled their annual “Christmas Spectacular” at Radio City Music Hall. When the Rockettes are worried about kicking off, we’re doomed.
What a week we had on “Billy Masters LIVE.” Tuesday kicked off with the outrageous Judy Gold – whose book, “Yes, I Can Say That,” is not only hilarious but also brilliant. It is a perfect book to read in these times of social media outrage and political correctness (I heartily recommend the audiobook, which Judy reads). We were joined by Wilson Cruz. To say I’d wait a lifetime for Wilson is an understatement. We talked about our long friendship – complete with many heretofore unseen photos of him in various forms of undress. He was thoughtful, witty, sincere, and dishy. Everything I’d want in a boyfriend…er, I mean a guest! Definitely worth checking out.
On Thursday, Provincetown during a pandemic was the topic. We started off with Edmund Bagnell – who you may know from Well-Strung. He is currently doing a solo show at the Crown & Anchor. Also at the Crown is Varla Jean Merman, who popped in (out of drag) to discuss the challenges of laughing at the coronavirus. It was a perfect way to end the week. You can see all of our shows on BillyMasters.com/TV.
You may not have heard of Alex Morse, but he’s the gay, 31-year-old mayor of Holyoke, Mass., who is running for Congress. That alone would not make him column-worthy during our quarter-century celebration. No, he made the cut because he’s admitted to having had consensual sex with college students. Oh, did I mention he was a lecturer at the school in question? He made this revelation after some of his students claimed it was not consensual. He’s been accused of “using his position of power for romantic or sexual gains.”
I was shocked to read that Kevin McHale tried to kill his boyfriend. That may be a bit harsh. What he actually did was “accidentally poison” him. Potato/Potahto. The “Glee” star served his boyfriend, Austin McKenzie, some undercooked chicken sausage. In short order, McKenzie got “superrrrr sick” and ran out to get tested for the coronavirus…twice! After both tests came back negative, they realized McHale has simply given him salmonella. Oops! “He should break up with me. I would,” said Kevin. Austin then posted this: “I left Twitter years ago. I’m back on now to monitor my thirsty boyfriend, Kevin Mchale, who ‘accidentally’ gave me salmonella 5 days ago.”
Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Tim in Detroit: “Did you see those photos of Kit Harington? WTF?”
For those of you who aren’t in the know, the “Game of Thrones” star was snapped walking down the streets of London with his right arm down his pant leg. From the series of snaps, many have speculated that Kit was simply adjusting his dick – which we’ve all done from time to time. But his arm is so deep down there, I think he might have been trying to flatten some boxers. Unless his dick is REALLY long. I guess you’ll have to check out BillyMasters.com and decide for yourself.
When we’re running longer than Kit’s kit, it’s definitely time to end another column. Speaking of long, this month we are celebrating 25 years of writing this column. In some ways, it’s even more fun today. Believe it or not, back then I had to fax the column every week to some of my papers. And a few got theirs via snail mail – talk about timely! Should you need more of me (allowing for social distancing), write to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you after I find the answer in my pants! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.