The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – Presented with a beautiful crop of perfectly in-season cherry tomatoes at a farmer’s market or well stocked grocery store, have you ever gone a bit overboard? 

Maybe you had some vague plans for how you would use them that never came to pass. Or maybe you were just hungry. Happens to the best of us. 

Pasta pomodoro, a.k.a., I bought too many cherry tomatoes 

This recipe is the gastronomical equivalent of turning surplus cherry tomatoes into rubellites on an 18k gold Cartier necklace. 

You’ll never use red sauce from a jar again. Not that I ever would. “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin” – Gwyneth Paltrow. Same energy in this column every week lmao

Lightly adapted from “Cook This Book” by Molly Baz:

1. Heat three-fourths cup olive oil in a Dutch oven over medium for two minutes. Meanwhile, crush and peel about 12 cloves of garlic, tossing them in to cook until fragrant, about one minute.
2. Add 1.5 pounds cherry tomatoes and cook for about 10 minutes
3. Add 2 pounds more cherry tomatoes, two springs of basil, 1.5 teaspoons Diamond Crystal kosher salt, and 1 teaspoon fish sauce. Increase heat to medium-high until boiling. Reduce to medium and simmer for 25 minutes
4. Cook your favorite pasta according to the package directions until one minute shy of al-dente. Reserve 1 cup pasta water and drain
5. Add pasta and a half cup reserved water to the tomatoes, cooking on medium for one to two minutes while stirring in a half cup grated fresh parmesan cheese. Add more pasta water if the mixture is too thick

Serve with more parm sprinkled on top and more fresh basil

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – Last week, my husband and I moved out of our 1-bedroom apartment and into our first home in Northeast D.C., which is why I did not publish a food column last week. 

I hope you’ll forgive me, but I am still recovering from the trauma (which, in my head I am pronouncing like Jamie Lee Curtis) even though I had leveraged what I am now calling my “bottom privilege” to delegate the more difficult tasks to my spouse. Moving the really heavy stuff, driving the 15-foot U-Haul, mounting the TV…you get the idea. 

Currently, I am experiencing a recurring nightmare in which, as we’re leaving the apartment for what we understand to be the final time, suddenly I realize we had forgotten to go through and pack the contents of our “junk drawer.” 

You have one, too. It’s the shallow drawer directly underneath your kitchen countertop where you store some things you need – batteries, pamphlets for your appliances, etc. – and more things that you don’t – pesos from your last trip to Tulum, stretched out rubber bands, your old iPhone 5, a Blackberry that you don’t remember ever owning.

So, in my dream, from this drawer I begin pulling out cords. USB chargers, HDMI cables, you name it. Like a clown performing the handkerchief trick at a kid’s birthday party, it never stops. I am waist-deep in the cords. And my husband, who is unable to explain why we must keep them or what purpose they will serve in our new home, will not let me throw them away. 

Will I ever be free? Or will the morass of plugs and rubber sheathed wires follow me to every domicile I occupy for the rest of my days while also haunting me as I sleep? Are the cords, menacing and anthropomorphized as they are in my nightmares, a subconscious manifestation of my discomfort with the pace of technological innovation in large language model AI systems? 

Unfortunately, I am unable to consult my therapist for answers because moving has depleted not only our sanity but also out bank accounts. It’s such a miserable experience that – and this is a universal experience – eventually you begin wantonly throwing all your possessions into the trash without a second thought about the cost of replacing them or even a modicum of appreciation for their monetary or sentimental value. 

As I said, trauma. 

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Anyway, let’s begin. 

In recent weeks, I’ve shared several sweet-but-not-too-sweet baked goods from Alison Roman’s newest entrée into the cookbook game, “Sweet Enough.” (I had high expectations, and lemme tell you, they were surpassed. Bravo, Alison.) 

This semolina cake with lemon and fennel is, to be sure, different from the seedy breakfast cake I made three weeks ago, but they have a few important features in common: 

First, no one will look at you sideways for eating a slice in the morning, but they’re wonderful any time of day or night. Second, they are texturally interesting, and I mean that in the most pleasant possible way. Third, they both contain fennel seeds, which in the flavor department lends a certain je ne said quoi sophistication to each. And finally, they are pretty damn easy to make.

1. Preheat oven to 375° F. Spray a 9” cake pan with cooking spray and line the bottom with a round of parchment (I had great success using a slightly larger springform pan.) 
2. In a medium bowl, use your hands to mix 1.25 cups white granulated sugar, 2 tablespoons lemon zest, and 1 teaspoon fennel seeds, crushed in a mortar & pestle or finely chopped
3. Whisk in 1 cup whole-milk yogurt (not Greek, not skim-milk. Alison is very clear about this, which means it’s important) and 2 large eggs
4. In a large bowl, whisk together 1 cup all-purpose flour, ½ cup semolina flour, 1 tablespoon baking powder, and 1 teaspoon Diamond Crystal kosher salt
5. Add wet ingredients to dry ingredients, along with a third-cup neutral oil, and mix until well combined. Pour the batter into your cake pan and bake until golden brown on top, about 30-35 minutes
6. Dust with confectioner’s sugar and serve with fresh fruit, if desired. Fruit dusted with more confectioner’s sugar, if desired. 

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – I am on a bit of a breakfast kick these days. Matter of fact, I ate two of these scones for dinner last night with a schmear of cream cheese and fresh dill, plus two fried eggs on the side. 

Dear reader, have you sworn off scones because they often have the consistency of drywall? I hear you. Until I tried this recipe, scones were at the bottom of my breakfast baked goods hierarchy, beneath even banana nut muffins (which, of course…are irredeemable).

My husband and I are moving. Which meant that after pulling these out of the oven, I gingerly packed Alison Roman’s “Sweet Enough” – the book from whence I took this recipe – along with my other cookbooks (comprising two full boxes). 

Think back to the last time you moved, and I expect you will understand my decision to not retrieve the book and instead try writing the recipe from memory. That said, proceed at your own risk. 

You’ll need:

1+3/4 cup all purpose flour 

1 tbsp baking powder 

1 tbsp sugar 

1 ¼ teaspoon kosher salt 

1.5 cups finely grated parmesan

6 scallions

3 teaspoons ground black pepper 

1 stick unsalted butter 

½ cup sour cream

½ cup heavy cream 

1. Whisk together 1¾ cups all-purpose flour, 1 tablespoon baking powder, 1 tablespoon white granulated sugar, 1¼ teaspoon Diamond Crystal Kosher Salt, 1½ cups finely grated parmesan, 3 teaspoons freshly ground black pepper, and 6 scallions, white and light green parts, thinly sliced
2. Whisk together ½ cup sour cream and ½ cup heavy cream
3. Cut 1 stick cold unsalted butter into small half-inch pieces, and press them into your flour mixture until you have a bunch of disk-shaped pieces of roughly equal size, being careful not to make huge clumps 
4. Gently stir in your cream mixture and knead a few times with your hands just until you have a shaggy dough
5. Roll your dough out onto a lightly floured surface, patting it into a rectangle measuring about 1½-inches high, 9-inches long and 6-inches wide. Cut in half lengthwise and across, so you have 4 rectangles, and then cut each on the diagonal so you have 8 triangles
6. Transfer to a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and then to your refrigerator  
7. Preheat your oven to 425° F. After they have been chilling for 20-30 minutes, brush your scones with heavy cream and top with more sliced scallions, flaky sea salt, and black pepper
8. Bake your scones for about 25 minutes

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – Sometimes, I fantasize about making food for famous people. I have no idea what I would serve to Lisa Vanderpump, whom I met at last night’s White House Correspondents Dinner…but I know what I would bake for her date, Vanderpump Rules’s Ariana Madix. 

As an avowed PumpRules stan, of course I have been thinking about little else since the #Scandoval broke last month. I don’t have time to fully explain, but the gist is Madix’s boyfriend Tom Sandoval cheated on her with their castmate, Rachel. 

If Madix was my friend – and, in this fantasy, she is – I would come to her WeHo apartment in the morning with coffee, this cake, and a posterboard with this Rolling Stone article calling Sandoval, “a leathery-looking frontman of a below-average cover band with a minority stake in two West Hollywood bars.” Devastating. 

Ariana, girl, let’s make you an account on Raya and leave some bad Yelp reviews for your ex’s restaurants. Here, I have breakfast cake. It’s texturally delightful, delicious, and packing just the right amount of sugar.

It’s the third recipe I’ve tried so far from Alison Roman’s desserts cookbook “Sweet Enough,” and I have a feeling it will be a sleeper hit. 

God bless America, where our breakfast foods can put you into a diabetic coma. Coffee cake topped with heaps of brown sugar and cinnamon. Iced cinnamon rolls. Pancakes swimming in maple syrup. French toast and berry compote dusted with powdered sugar. Cap’n Crunch…

Try this instead. Amazing on its own or with a schmear of cream cheese and fresh berries. 

1. Preheat oven to 350° F. Spray a loaf pan with cooking spray and line with parchment paper 
2. Whisk together 1.5 cups all purpose flour, 2-3 tablespoons poppyseeds, 2-3 tablespoons toasted sesame seeds, 2 tablespoons flaxseeds (optional, I didn’t use), 1 tablespoon baking powder, 2 teaspoons fennel seeds (optional, but I did use and I highly recommend), and 1 teaspoon kosher salt (Diamond Crystal brand)
3. In a separate bowl, whisk together ½ cup granulated white sugar, ¼ cup light brown sugar, 1 cup Greek yogurt (of sour cream or crème fraiche), 2 large eggs, ½ cup neutral oil, and 1-2 ripe bananas (optional, I didn’t use)
4. Gently mix the flour mixture into your wet ingredients until smooth with no lumps, but be careful not to overmix
5. Transfer batter to your loaf pan and sprinkle with more poppy seeds, sesame seeds, and granulated white sugar 
6. Bake for 1 hour 5 minutes to 1 hour 15 minutes, longer if you’ve added a banana

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – Earlier this month, my editor asked whether anyone was available to cover the National Cannabis Festival on April 22, and I tried to temper my enthusiasm when volunteering myself as tribute. 

My best friend Kelsey Craig was already planning to drive to D.C. from North Carolina to join me at RFK Stadium, but now we had comped tickets and press access. We had prepared for the weekend’s festivities like athletes ahead of the Olympics, our bag thoughtfully packed with essentials like the cookies pictured here.

Over the next 24-hours, however, the universe visited misfortune after misfortune upon us at every turn and to such an extent that the Festival’s evacuation due to a severe thunderstorm was just one list item in a series of unfortunate events that left us laughing upon our discovery of the parking ticket on Kelsey’s car as she prepared to head home. 

(As of this writing, Google Maps notified her that traffic on I-95 would delay her ETA by 2.5 hours.)

Kelsey and I are best friends for a reason, though. I don’t think anyone has ever had as enjoyable a time waiting 2.5 hours for food delivery at a Residence Inn, trying (and failing) to navigate walking directions from Google Maps during a downpour, or traipsing across the city to find everything cancelled, closed, turned into a vacant lot, or open by appointment only. 

Alison Roman’s internet-famous Salted Butter and Chocolate Chunk Shortbread cookies (#TheCookies) didn’t hurt, either. Even when it feels like the world is deliberately conspiring against us, we will always have flour, butter, sugar, chocolate, and friends – for those of us who are really lucky, friends like Kelsey – to make life a little bit sweeter. 

This Alison Roman recipe is widely available online but was first featured in her cookbook “Dining In: Highly Cookable Recipes”

1. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. With a stand mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream together 255 grams cold salted butter, cut into ½-inch pieces, 100 grams granulated white sugar, 55 grams light brown sugar, and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract for five minutes
2. With the mixer on low, slowly add 325 grams all-purpose flour, and then 170 grams chopped dark chocolate (you should aim for pieces slightly larger than a standard chocolate chip), mixing until just blended
3. Divide your dough in half, placing each piece in plastic wrap. Roll them into logs measuring about 6-inches long and 2 to 2.5-inches in diameter, and refrigerate for at least 2 hours
4. Preheat oven to 350° F. Whisk 2 large eggs in a bowl and cover a large plate or cutting board with demerara sugar (Sugar in the Raw is a good substitute. Don’t use any other kind of sugar.) Use a pastry brush to coat each log with the egg wash, and then roll them in the sugar, applying some pressure to ensure they are evenly coated
5. Slice the logs into half-inch thick rounds. Alison recommends using a serrated knife; I had more luck with my go-to – a very sharp 8-inch Shun chef’s knife. Sprinkle with flaky salt (fleur de sel works, too. I used Maldon sea salt flakes.)
6. Bake in two batches for 12-15 minutes 

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – Have you ever made pastry cream? Neither had I. (Nor, apparently, had Stephen Colbert – see below.) 

Roman’s simple fruit tart is the first recipe I attempted from her new baking cookbook, and of course it was everything she’d promised: simple, easy, classic, and delicious. 

My lone (and very minor) gripe was that I had some excess pastry cream. Should you find yourself in the same predicament, you might dollop it atop the tart in the artful manner shown here. I must credit my husband, the very talented photographer behind this column, for that move.

“If you’re the type of baker who loves to arrange your fruit like a gorgeous mosaic,” Roman writes, “well, this recipe is for you.” The beauty of this dessert, though, is you don’t have to be that kind of baker for your tart to look (and, of course, taste) pretty fantastic. 

See, as you may have noticed, I’m not fussy when it comes to plating and presentation. These are not skills that come naturally to me, and therefore I have little interest in developing them. 

If this recipe is any indication, “Sweet Enough” is perfect for cooks and bakers like me who are willing to hit five grocery stores in search of yuzu kosho or sour cherries but can’t be bothered to wipe wayward sauce off the rim of the plate when it’s time to serve the damn dish. 

Note, however – Alison and I are both absolute zealots when it comes to the type and the brand of salt you should be using: Diamond Crystal Kosher Salt. Always and forever. For this and for everything. 

1. In a stockpot, combine one-quart whole milk and a half cup granulated white sugar. If you have a vanilla bean, slice it lengthwise, scrape in the seeds, and then whisk everything together along with the pod. Bring to a simmer – not a full boil – and then remove your pot from the heat
2. In a large bowl, whisk together a half cup granulated white sugar, 8 large egg yolks, a half cup cornstarch, and one teaspoon kosher salt. (Add 1½ teaspoons vanilla extract if you don’t have/didn’t use the vanilla bean)
3. Slowly pour a cup of the milk mixture into the egg mixture while whisking constantly until blended
4. Return this mixture to the stockpot and place over medium heat, whisking constantly until, as Roman writes, “the liquid goes from thin with many small bubbles, almost like a cappuccino, to thick and gelatinous with sporadic large bubbles” – about 8-10 minutes
5. Remove from the heat and whisk in 4 tablespoons unsalted butter
6. Transfer to a baking dish or other shallow container. Place a sheet of plastic wrap or parchment paper directly on top of the pastry cream, covering its entire surface area, and then refrigerate until completely chilled 
7. Preheat your oven to 350° F 
8. In a medium bowl, combine 1⅓ cup all-purpose flour, ⅔ cup powdered sugar, and 1½ teaspoons kosher salt
9. Incorporate 1½ sticks melted, cooled unsalted butter, and then press your dough into a 9” tart pan and gently poke holes with the tines of a fork to allow steam to escape as it bakes 
10. Bake for 18-20 minutes until nicely golden
11. Whisk your chilled pastry cream vigorously until it looks totally smooth like pudding, and then spread it into your tart shell with a spatula

Top with whatever fruit you see fit, in whatever fashion you see fit, and allow your tart to chill in the refrigerator before slicing and serving

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

SAINT BARTHÉLEMY – Saint Barth’s takes every opportunity to remind you that it’s a French island, including by providing ashtrays to rent on its pristine beaches and serving as much bread as you can possibly eat (which, for me, is a LOT of bread). 

Anyway, after two weeks we were low on € and decided to eat in. And we were so bloated after taking baguettes to the face every morning noon and night that I chose to limit the carbs – a sentence I never imagined writing, but here we are. 

I included rice, however, because let’s not get crazy. I’m not subsisting off bone broth. (She may be #Gwynocent of all skiing related charges, but one must not forget she’s still Gwylty as fuck of hawking bogus health treatments and diets.)

1. Finely chop the tender leaves and stems of three bunches cilantro and three bunches scallions, combining them in a large bowl with about a half cup olive oil, a finely chopped jalapeño (or two!), and a three-inch piece ginger root, grated. Season to taste with salt
2. Reserve a fourth to a half cup of the mixture and set aside. Put the rest in a plastic bag with 2 pounds flank steak or skirt steak (pre-seasoned with 2 teaspoons salt), allowing the meat to marinate for at least 4 hours
3. Cook 1.5 cups jasmine rice using your preferred method in a 50-50 mixture of water and vegetable broth
4. Preheat oven to 425°
5. Toss a few diced shallots in a bowl with the juice of one lemon, allowing them to pickle for about 10 minutes. Drain but reserve the liquid
6. On a rimmed baking sheet, toss about one pound carrots (peeled or unpeeled, chopped or whole, whatever color or variety you prefer) with the shallots and two thinly sliced and de-seeded blood oranges. Top with a drizzle of chili oil (or red pepper flakes), and a few tablespoons honey and cover with at least a fourth cup olive oil
7. Roast for about 30 minutes, periodically tossing the mixture and drizzling the shallot-y lemon juice along with the juice from another blood orange
8. Heat a few tablespoons olive oil in a cast iron skillet or nonstick frying pan and coat the bottom with an even layer of your cooked rice, along with three diced shallots and a three-inch piece of turmeric root, grated (alternatively, use a teaspoon of ground turmeric). Cook until the rice touching the pan gets browned and crispy to your liking (checking on its progress periodically with a spatula). Top with parsley or cilantro and season to taste with salt
9. Serve your steak, rice, and carrots with grilled pineapple, mango, asparagus…oh, and your reserved marinade!

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

SAINT BARTHÉLEMY – Your White House reporter and fearless culinary correspondent is writing to you from St. Barth’s. There are some maxims that are always true in cooking and baking. One of them is that you should always read (or at least skim) a recipe before you begin slicing and dicing and preheating and de-seeding. 

I never manage to learn my lesson. Case in point, this recipe. 

Making a cheesecake is not difficult, but the process of slowly bringing it to room temperature after blasting that batter for a half hour at three-hundred-and-fifty-degrees Fahrenheit and then having to chill the cake in your refrigerator? Annoying and time consuming. 

There must be a better way! 

I consulted Google and found this recipe for no-bake cheesecake (h/t: The Busy Baker). It’s fabulous, but WARNING FOR BAKERS AT HOME: IT HAS TO CHILL FOR AT LEAST 6 HOURS.

1. In a mixing bowl, combine 1.5 cups graham cracker crumbs with 5 tablespoons melted unsalted butter until the texture feels like the wet sand of L’Anse de Grande Saline (for readers who missed last week’s column, I’m in St. Barth’s.)
2. In a stand mixer, whip one and a half cups heavy whipping cream until stiff peaks form. Remove and set aside the whipped cream. 
3. Press the graham cracker mixture into the bottom of a 9” cake pan (circular or squared, doesn’t matter). 
4. In a stand mixer, combine 32 ounces Philadelphia full-fat cream cheese (there simply is no other cream cheese I will countenance) with one and one-fourths cup powdered confectioner’s sugar.
5. Add the juice and zest of one lemon, mixing until evenly combined.
6. Fold in your whipped cream. Mash one cup blackberries, folding them in such that your batter is lightly streaked.
7. Transfer your batter to your cake pan, smoothing with a rubber or offset spatula. 
8. Refrigerate for at least six hours to overnight.

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – For readers who might be rolling their eyes over my intense parasocial relationship with Alison Roman, I’m sorry. 

I simply had to make the dish featured on the cover of her much-anticipated dessert cookbook, Sweet Enough, because it comes out in 10 days. (Naturally, I preordered my copy months ago.)

You can make it, too, without a stand mixer or oven or any baking equipment or dishes other than a couple of glasses and a fork. You can make it in less than five minutes. You can make it with just full-fat sour cream, berries, and sugar. 

Oh, let’s get this out of the way – if you’re looking at the photos accompanying this column and wondering why there appear to be more than three ingredients, it’s because there are more than three ingredients in the version I made. 

Roman shared the recipe on her Home Movies YouTube channel and suggested a few optional additions for those of us (me, I’m talking about me) who are inclined to make everything more complicated. 

Notwithstanding the upcoming release date for Roman’s new book, I should have saved this column for late spring or early summer, when berries are in season and the prospect of preheating your oven in a small apartment when the weather is sweltering can come between you and your craving for something sweet. 

Then again, I hardly exercised this kind of forethought or planning in these columns before, so why start now? 

Author’s note: The ingredients in step 4 really are optional. Sweetened berries swirled with tart sour cream and served in a glass is nothing short of a revelation. That said, I included step 4 for a reason. 

Second author’s note: I did not include measurements here because you really can’t fuck this up and I don’t know how many people you’re serving, but for reference I used approximately equal quantities of sour cream and raspberries.

1. Crush berries gently with a fork. You want some chunks of fruit in there, so don’t pulverize the fruit into something that looks like a jam or compote. Add sugar to taste
2. Add full fat sour cream to a glass. Martini glasses work especially well here, but you could use a wine glass or low-ball cocktail glass…even a champagne flute 
3. Stir in your berries, using something like a toothpick or chopstick to make a swirl if you are so inclined 

[OPTIONAL] Stir in ½ teaspoon rosewater, top with crumbled Biscoff cookies, and garnish with a whole berry

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent snarks his way through another delicious weekly recipe while dishing tea on other subjects…

WASHINGTON – Every so often, I find myself drawn to simplicity in cooking and baking. Sometimes, you can create something magical with just a few ingredients, properly seasoned and prepared. 

Here is one of those instances. You may already have everything you need to make this dish. It has no business being as tasty as it is. Plus, it’s VEGAN! 

Recipe adapted from Colu Henry at New York Times Cooking:

1. Preheat oven to 425°
2. Combine the finely chopped tender leaves and stems from one bunch of parsley with the zest of 1-2 lemons in a small bowl. Set aside
3. In a baking dish or sheet pan, toss together 24 oz cherry tomatoes, ½ cup olive oil, and 1 tablespoon finely chopped fresh thyme leaves. Season generously with kosher salt and black pepper before roasting for 20-25 min. 
4. Heat 2 tablespoons olive oil in a Dutch oven over medium. Cook one yellow onion, thinly sliced, 4-6 garlic cloves, crushed, and 1 teaspoon red pepper flakes (optional) for 5 minutes. Season with salt and black pepper 
5. Rinse and stir in 2 cans white beans (navy beans, great northern beans, cannellini beans, baby lima beans, butter beans, garbanzo beans, pinto beans…) along with 1.5 cups water mixed with 1 teaspoon vegetable flavored Better than Bouillon, bringing mixture to a simmer. Taste and season with salt and pepper 
6. Crush some of the beans to thicken to your liking  
7. Add roasted tomatoes along with their juices, simmering for 5-10 minutes and checking to adjust your seasoning if necessary
8. Serve topped with lemon-parsley mixture